Dear Waiting Mama, The weeping cherries I pass on my evening power-walk look like fireworks this spring. A few short years ago, these same trees appeared to be bowed in mourning. Bursting with blossoms of alabaster and rose, the trees have not changed, but I have. At 32, and nearly five years into failed infertility treatment, I had discovered that life was not like the Choose Your Own Adventure novels I'd torn through in sixth grade. It was more like a story of "God chooses

The first thing I want to say to you, reader, is thank you! Thank you for taking the time to look outside of yourself to offer comfort and encouragement to a friend who is struggling with infertility. You are likely already a mother or even a grandmother. If so, your life is filled with diaper changes, feedings, nap schedules, and posting or viewing posts of your little darlings on Instagram. For you, Mother's Day (coming up on May 14th) is a cause for celebration! A time to

Hi Blog Friends! Mother's Day was always an especially difficult holiday for me when we were struggling with infertility. You too? That's why I've created this "10 Ways to Survive Mother's Day" cheat sheet. We are just a few days away from the big day, so I hope you'll make plans to treat yourself kindly this Mother's Day. The best choice you can practice is to hold on to hope, a daily decision with big payoffs in terms of maintaining your sanity and enjoying life, even durin

Now that I am on the other side of the TTC journey, I realize how very caught up I was in the whole thing.

This is part 3 of my series about Infertility and the enneagram. If you need a brief intro to the enneagram personality model, I recommend reading parts 1 & 2 of this series first. Graphic created by the Arizona Enneagram Association Now then, the enneagram and infertility. 10 years of running the TTC gauntlet taught me this lesson: A bit more self- and others-awareness during that trial would have served me well. The third part of this series will detail how types 7, 8, and

This is part 2 of my series about Infertility and the enneagram. If you need a brief intro to the enneagram personality model, I recommend reading part 1 of this series first. Graphic created by the Arizona Enneagram Association Now then, the enneagram and infertility. 10 years of running the TTC gauntlet taught me this lesson: A bit more self- and others-awareness during that trial would have served me well. The second part of this series will detail how types 4, 5, and 6 op

Ooooh, the enneagram. The word seems either super mystical or super hip, depending on what you know (or don't know) about it. So let's have a quick class, shall we? What the enneagram is not: A tool of the occult, a quick fix, a solution to all of your problems, a trendy, Buzzfeed-style personality typing test that deludes you into thinking you are a superstar. What the enneagram is: A personality profile that can help you better understand how you relate to self, others, and

Realizing there are zero husbands visiting my blog, you're going to have to take matters into your own hands to share this with him, friends. The members of my infertility and pregnancy loss care group are reading the informative and practical book, When Empty Arms Become a Heavy Burden: Encouragement for couples Facing Infertility. The last two sessions, we have focused on how infertility affects the marital relationship. In an effort to give husbands a synopsis of the most

I've made no secret about my stint on the therapist's couch. During infertility, it was either a weekly visit with Jan or an extended inpatient stay at a mental health facility. I chose option A which came with a comfy couch, ambient lighting, and a bottomless tissue box within arm's reach on the coffee table. It took months for me to trust my therapist and half a year before I cried. Even then I felt like I was letting someone down. I'm stronger than this. It's not that big

As a child, I never got to play the Virgin Mary in our church Christmas pageant. Yep, I always played an angel in the chorus, never the starring role of Baby Jesus' adoring mom. My inability to land the part seemed more than mere coincidence when I hit a wall in my late twenties called "infertility". As thankful as I was for Jesus giving up heaven to hang out with us on earth - to save us from our steaming pile of sin - I was less than thankful for Christmas' focus on the vir

Ever hit a wall where prayer feels like a one-way conversation with an apathetic listener? Years of infertility can skew our view of God, making it seem like our only recourse against the Almighty is to end the conversation. I've been there. However, feelings cannot be our only truth bearer. In fact, emotions often keep us stuck in patterns of unhealthy and self-defeating thinking. Nothing is going to change, so why bother? Photo by Quentin Keller on Unsplash As believers, we

Holed up in my cousin's upstairs bathroom during a family Christmas party, I railed at God. "Why are you doing this to me?" I sobbed. Another year of celebration dampened by empty arms. Hadn't I been faithful? Hadn't I trusted his plan enough? With all the uncertainty of infertility, this question plagued me the most: Is God causing my infertility? And what magic words could I fling to the heavens to get him back on my side? Unfortunately, this way of thinking adds insult to

The nurse wheeled me through the temperature-controlled hospital lobby and out into the harsh sunlight where my husband waited with our Chevy Malibu. Summer had always been my favorite season, but in that moment I couldn't remember why. I had just lost one Fallopian tube and twins in my first trimester and was unable to string together the words for a prayer. I felt abandoned...hopeless. Hitting this wall became the impetus for a life 180. No more "trying", my husband and I d

There's a story of a little girl whose mother caught her kneeling by her bedside, hands clasped, eyes closed, and reciting the A, B, C's. When the girl said, "Amen", her mother popped into the room. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm just praying," the girl replied. "But Honey, why are you saying the ABC's instead of talking to God?" "Well," she answered, "I was praying all the letters of the alphabet and letting God put the words together the way He wanted to." I love wor

Perched on his mobility scooter, my Uncle Chuck surveyed the scene. His grandchildren toddled about on the sandy beach under the watchful eye of their parents. I stood on the porch next to him at the cottage on Little John Lake, unable - or unwilling - to jump into their carefree play. Sensing my discomfort, Uncle Chuck asked how my husband and I were doing with our infertility struggle. "O.K.," I answered. "It's just tough, you know." If anyone knew about tough, it was my

"Just relax, Honey!" a neighbor trilled as we pushed our carts through the grocery store produce section. "It'll happen!" After years of infertility, my thoughts swirled with violent scenarios at this woman's flippant advice: a couple squares of Ex-Lax stirred into her coffee, a slashing of minivan tires, a nice, straightforward slap in the face. Despite my penchant for vengeful fantasies during our infertility struggle, I am not a violent person. And while acting on my day

I celebrated my birthday last week. On a ski hill sandwiched between friends and family in the shade of a towering pine, we noshed on canapes and deviled eggs, pasta salad and chips and guac as our local symphony teamed up with horns and electric guitars to perform the music of Chicago. It was 80 plus degrees and sunny and the smell of sweat commingled with fresh cut grass and ozone. I can't be sure, but I may have gone sans deodorant thanks to my a.m. birthday mammogram in

Is this you? Permanent "11" between the eyebrows, a look that says "Just go away"? If so, you may have fallen prey to bitterness, a common snare that occurs with an infertility diagnosis and treatment plan. Need clarification? Here you go: Bitterness: A mental or emotional state that eats away at a person A Bitter Person: Resentful, cynical, harsh, cold, unpleasant to be around Yikes! This week, I was reminded of my own bitterness during our infertility struggle and received

Castles towered, lagoons sparkled, drums pounded and colorful flags whipped in the wind as the smell of freshly fried tortillas wafted through the air. Within an hour, my husband and our three kiddos had strolled through a feast for all five senses in the countries of Mexico, Norway, China, Germany, Italy, Japan, Morocco, France, England, and Canada. Where else but Disney World's Epcot could one hop from one nation to another, and even from the present world to Future World,

As a high school teacher, I field a slew of questions from September to May. However, my most FAQ has not come from my students, but from my readers, who want to know: "When can I buy your book?" They say that misery loves company and the 1 in 8 of us who struggle with infertility are desperate for stories that mirror our experience to assure us that we're not alone. We're hungry for honest narratives that don't whitewash our grief, but offer a hope that transcends our circum